To disclose or not to disclose

Upon learning that I had Asperger's, I thought to myself: ' I now understand myself and why I act and respond the way I do. Now all I need to do is to let everyone know so that they won't judge me by what they see but rather with an understanding of the reasons behind my response to my environment. They would stop thinking that I'm a bad, cold and unfriendly person simply because I have very little facial expressions and struggle to generate small talk. Now where do I start?"

I started with my sister, showing her the results of my Aspie test, then to two people I call my best friends. The response was rather positive, though one of the best friends was a little bit skeptical about my disclosure due to our friendship being limited to occasional texting and not seeing much of me in real life to assess my autistic traits first hand.

 It was at that time I decided to leave my post in the secondary school to pursue a Masters degree in Social Work. I emailed my former lecturer, Helen, for a reference and she willingly provided one. We got into a discussion on why I wanted to leave teaching. Having previously confided in myself and her small group of students that she was coeliac, I felt I owed it to her to open up as well and trust her with my issues. I spilled the beans on a lot of issues that was making my current work increasingly unbearable and ended by disclosing to her that I' ve just found out I'd been living with autism all my life. To my utmost surprise and dismay, that was the last I  ever heard from Helen. It's been 2 and a half years since that email.

Another person I spoke to was the Minister at the church which I attended at the time. Church for me was an intense social struggle. The hardest part for me was when we had to "turn to your five and shake them by the hand and interact with them. I always found myself alone with everybody quickly getting into pairs and I being the only odd one out. Though I was an adept musician and a passionate worship leader I made no friends in the church except for one person... And the children who were not hard to please and accepted me the way I was. The response I was getting from the congregation made it uneasy for me to continue my regular role as a song leader so I asked for permission to take a sabbatical leave. 

I felt that if the minister understood me, he could help the congregation to understand autism. Wrong.

I held the meeting with the Reverend minister on a Friday to tell him I had  a form of autism that made certain social situations and social places such as church very difficult to deal with. I felt that is would provide a perfect explanation for all the traits they had seen in me. Being unable to read his intentions due to mind blindness, I took his words to assume that this revelation was a huge learning curve  for him for which he was very grateful and that he would do some more research on it to be able to educate the congregation and to make some accommodations for me.

On Sunday, I learned that I had been officially ousted from the worship music team and the one person who was my only friend in the church had not only endorsed my sacking but had also been awarded a position of prominence in the  team and for a year, I painfully watched him do what I was meant to be doing. It felt like the highest form of betrayal. Like your best friend going out with your ex who dumped you and still expecting the friendship to remain the same.

I wanted to leave the church and put behind me all the hurt and discouragement I had endured but I was scared it would fuel more rumours and gossip. I felt all eyes were on me so I tried to act all happy during the singing sessions to avoid entertaining the many people who were eagerly anticipating this unfriendly jilted church singer to break down and cry.

I had mixed responses from friends and family. One amazing family member confessed to me that my struggle was similar to theirs and upon taking my advice, they had taken the Autism Quotient test and had an equally high score. Others appeared supportive as soon as I made the disclosure, then they slowly teleported themselves out of my life.
Here are a few disappointing responses I got :
"...stop making excuses for being unfriendly and unsociable."
"...you have to make an effort!"
"You have to discipline yourself!"
" I'm a spiritual person. This aspergers thing doesn't sit well in my spirit..."

On the other hand, disclosures are not all negative. After contacting the National Autistic Society for some advice, I made a formal disclosure to the uni where I was studying . I was afraid they would say that I wouldn't be allowed to continue on the course because of the social aspects of the trade.

My tutors' response restored so much faith in humanity. 

They believed me.

They reassured me that they would help.

They did help by making accommodations and giving support.

Thanks to these, I was able to focus on the contents of the course and make the required progress to successfully pass the course.

After my course, I applied for numerous positions, ticking the Autism/ aspergers box in the Equal Opportunities section. I never got any invitation, in spite of my qualities and qualifications. Then I stopped ticking the box. Then I got an overwhelming response from frantic employers flooding my inbox to employ me. I took one of those jobs. Survived a month, and another. Then I quit. Through my resignation, I felt I had let some people down...and made some people's day. But best of all, I had preserved my sanity by repositioning myself.

Should I have told them I had aspergers? How would they have reacted to me? Would they have supported me like my tutor did? Would they have rejected me like the reverend? For people on the spectrum with Mind blindness, the professional life  and  social life can be a real minefield and one of life's uncertainties is to disclose ...or not to disclose.